Brit and Pam

Just made my daily UsWeekly/People stops and two stories have me shaking my head. First: Britney's lost custody of her kids. I . . . don't really know what to say about that that hasn't already been said. How long can this downward spiral last? A mere 12 months ago who would have thought the tide would have turned and people would be rooting for K-Fed as the parent with his shit together? I'm of course I need to know WHY Britney lost custody now as opposed to a few weeks ago. Did she fail one of the court-ordered drug tests? Fail to submit to one? Did the recent tabloid confessions of a former bodyguard play a role? And most importantly, why the HELL do I care? But I do. Which is why I post on a pop culture website so I should just go with it right and abandon all shame?

In a similar vein of why the hell do I care and unanswered questions . . . what is with Pamela Anderson's increasingly dubious choices in men? Tommy Lee . . . ok. Certain amount of wacked out charm. Anybody else watch that "reality" show where he went to college? I kind of found that amusing. Kid Rock? Myeh. Couldn't really see that one, but whatever, people like him. But RICK SALOMON? SERIOUSLY? He of "One Night in Paris" 'fame'? The man who led Shannen Doherty to deck said Paris Hilton? What the hell? You really must check out the US story on using sexual favors to pay a gambling debt and "falling in love". It's priceless.

"I guess a baby really is the new accessory in Hollywood"

The title of this post can be attributed to my friend Carol Seaver, and was the last line in an exchange of e-mails between the two of us today about Nicole Richie's pregnancy.

Sure, we had both heard the rumors for weeks now. But neither of us believed them. The reason was quite simple: we couldn't believe that Nicole could possibly be pregnant because we couldn't imagine her body weight would permit ovulation. I was so skeptical that this biological process was occuring, in fact, that when Nicole arrested for her DUI and claimed she was on Vicodin to alleviate the pain from her menstrual cramps, I posted that it couldn't possibly be true because she couldn't possibly menstruate.

Now it looks like Carol and I must stand corrected. I still absolutely no idea how her body is going to be able to sustain a fetus. And I'm still just incredulous that this could have happened. I keep waiting for some kind of retraction, but it doesn't appear that's going to happen. But really...how can this be?!

I guess we can look forward to six months of discussions in Us Weekly about Nicole's "baby bump" (could there be a more asinine term?), followed by coverage of the wedding to the creepy Madden guy, the themed baby shower featuring high-priced gift bags for guests, and the happy family strolls with Nicole, Madden, the Bugaboo and the nanny.

Or maybe they'll print that retraction???

In the world of celebrity parenting . . .

Have you all heard about this voicemail Alec Baldwin left for his daughter? If you don't feel like following the link, he left an irate voicemail calling her a "rude thoughtless little pig" because she didn't answer the phone for a scheduled call. She's 11. That poor kid. I wonder if I'm in the minority on this, but I actually am even more appalled at Kim Basinger for LEAKING this tape to the media than I am for Baldwin leaving the message in the first place. Obviously, both acts are . . . not good parenting, but what kind of parent puts this out in the world for everyone to see? WHY??

A little late . . .

I was reading US Weekly yesterday and saw that Claire Danes and Billy Crudup are no longer an item, so no longer an item that she's already seeing someone else. How did I miss this piece of gossip? Can't say I'm surprised, they always looked miserable together.

Breaking news: Anna Nicole's body

The judge has just said that he wants Anna Nicole Smith be buried with her son Daniel in the Bahamas. Officially, the guardian of Dannilynn (an attorney) will have custody of her body. It was a strange ruling. The ruling didn't say that she must be buried in the Bahamas, it seemed that the judge was just expressing his preference. The judge also got choked up on the stand, as both Howard K. Stern and Anna Nicole's mother broke down crying.

Thanks to streaming TV at work, I have managed to post this before People, Us Weekly, CNN.com and every other print source I have checked.

Poor Anna Nicole. When she will actually be buried is still anyone's guess.

Britney Shears: a comprehensive rundown for those without internet access this week

This is a quick reference guide to Britney Spears' last week, for Holt and Bailey, who are in Asia without any access to Us Weekly.

Britney checked into rehab last Thursday, but checked out less than 24 hours later. There have been reports that this was done following an intervention by her mom and other loved ones. Source and source.

On Saturday Britney went to a hair salon and asked to have her hair shaved off. The salon owner refused to do it, so Britney took the clippers and did it herself. Perez Hilton has reported that K-Fed threatened to have Britney's hair tested for drugs, which precipitated the hair shaving, although I haven't seen anything to support that. Source, source, source and source.

The National Inquirer reported that she also attempted, or threatened to attempt, suicide twice on Saturday. Haven't seen anything to corroborate that either. Source and speculation.

That weekend, she was also seen partying, wearing a really bad blonde wig. Like something you would get in a Halloween shop if you were going to play Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors. And she was generally acting more than a little crazy. Source , source and source.

On Tuesday, she checked into rehab again. On Wednesday, less than 24 hours later, she checked out. She was seen visiting a criminal lawyer after she checked out of rehab. Source and source.

Apparently her family had her credit cards frozen, although I don't understand how a 25 year old woman who has earned her own money doesn't have control over that money. Source.

Last night, Britney apparently went to see K-Fed, who had moved for an emergency custody hearing, which was supposed to happen today. Apparently he agreed to postpone the hearing if Britney would check into rehab, again, so she did. Perez Hilton says that the deal is she must complete rehab or else he will again move for full custody of the kids. Apparently K-Fed has been taking care of the kids for the past week, perhaps with the help of Lynn Spears. Source, source, and source.

Oh Britney.

What better way to re-enter the blogging world (anyone miss me? I didn't think so) than to lament the loss of Britney. I know we lost her long ago, but the last few days have been particularly sad. It has been ridiculously depressing watching her shave her head (the internet is amazing, I can't believe how quickly the live shots surfaced) and go in and out of rehab (yes, she reportedly checked out of rehab AGAIN this morning). I really, truly hope she gets help, in particular for the sake of those two adorable boys. I fear something tragic will happen if she doesn't get help soon. It's amazing how pop culture fodder turns to a sad reality so quickly. Sigh.

In more shocking news

Lindsay Lohan is in rehab. Did anyone see this coming?

Bloody lies?

According to Us Weekly, Nicole Richie is telling friends that she is not addicted to Vicodin, but rather takes it once a month to help alleviate the pain from mentrual cramps.

Am I the only one who finds it very hard to believe that Richie menstruates at all? Most women who are severely underweight don't, or, if they do at all, it is very rare and not at all on a regular monthly cycle.

Of course, none of this explains why she then drove a car after taking the Vicodin. Or how the marijuana factored into the equation at all.

Please don't compare me to Paris Hilton

Us Weekly has posted excerpts of a recent interview Tina Fey gave to Howard Stern on its blog, and it's really, really great. I have actually never been a big fan of Tina, but after this I definitely love her. Instead of playing the whole celebrity nice game, she decided to totally rip on Paris Hilton. Yay!

My favorite part (really, go to Us Weekly and read the entire thing)? When asked what Hilton was like, Fey calls her a "piece of shit," who takes herself really seriously, and then says: "She's unbelievably dumb and so proud of how dumb she is. She looks like a tranny up close."

Wow. There's not much more to say after that. Except that Tna described Paris' hair as "nasty wads of Barbie hair. . . . Her hair is like a Fraggle."

Now, Tina, there is no need to get carried away. What have the Fraggles ever done to you? Fine, compare her to Barbie, no one really likes her. I can only imagine you have not met any Fraggles, Ms. Fey, because there is no denying the beauty of our hair. I mean, look at the posted photos. One of these things is not like the others, right? And anyway, who else can get two ponytails to stand up on end like that?

Since the rest of the interview was so incredibly awesome, I am going to overlook this insult. But no more ripping on the Fraggles!

Welcome, neighbors: Part 2

Last week I reported that Tom and Katie might be moving to the DC area. This week our neighbors may be Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and the three little Jolie-Pitts.

But this rumor has some legs--Brad Pitt himself told a French magazine, Cine Tele Revue that it might happen!

Now I have to figure out how I can arrange a random meeting so that they will decide to be my friend and I can hang out with them all of the time and be in the background of photos that run in Us Weekly.

In related Grey's Anatomy news

Astute readers might have noticed my comment to Holt's post, below, about T.R. Knight coming out of the closet. Basically, I wondered how or whether T.R. Knight's revelation was related to the news of the fight between Isaiah Washington and Patrick Demspey last week. Reports of the fight said that Washington was complaining that T.R. Knight was late to taping, and Dempsey defended Knight. I wondered whether Washington had used a gay slur when complaining about Knight and, if so, whether that precipitated Knight's relevation that he is gay.

And now it looks like I'm right about Isaiah Washington. At least, the National Enquirer, which, although a shameless rag, did break the Grey's Anatomy story, is now saying that Washington said to Dempsey "I'm not your little faggot, like [name retracted]." Although the Enquirer retracted the name, in light of the fact that we know they were arguing about Knight, and Knight coming out of the closet today, I think we can figure out whose name was included after the slur.

Yuck, yuck, yuck.

ETA: Us Weekly is now running a poll on whether Washington should be fired, in light of the most recent story in the Enquirer.

A professional beard?

Us Weekly is reporting a potential new coupling of Orlando Bloom and Penelope Cruz. My first thought when I read this? If anything was going to convince me that Bloom may, in fact, be gay, it was Penelope Cruz becoming his girlfriend.

Let's backtrack a little. Despite his relationship with Kate Bosworth, there have been rumbling that Bloom may prefer men (as opposed to women with boy-like bodies). I generally wrote those off as rumors based on Orlando's delicate features. But a few weeks ago (just after Kate and orlando called it quits again) Ted Casablancas made a suggestive statement about Orlando and Kate, saying that according to many their relationship was never real, and they just posed for the cameras.

The next day, Ted ran a Blind Vice (a piece of gossip where he doesn't give us the names of the celebrities) about a recently-broken up couple consisting of a closeted gay man and a superskinny woman. It screamed (to me anyway) Kate and Orlando. Check it out for yourself:

Another Hollywood bustup. Boo-freakin'-hoo. Excuse me if I'm not exactly cryin into my hanky. In this town, where relationships last about as long as lunchtime Botox sessions, peeps who manage to stay together are the real newsworthy ones, don't you all think? Anyhow, I never really thought Pete Poked and Charmaine Chuck-Up were such hot 'n' heavy lovebirds in the first place.I mean, you can't place your Prius in a spot that's already taken, can you? 'Course not! Kinda like how Char-love couldn't possibly be the stylish ride of choice for Petey's daredevil desires, 'cause he's already had a serious shotgun boyfriend for quite sometime. Yes, that's right: Just like Toothy and so many of the friggin' rest of 'em, P2 likes the boys, not the girls--no matter how thin or pretty or pouty they may be.I'm told this par-tick tight boyish twosome enjoys sportin' weekend jaunts to the mountains, where they can hit the slopes and canoodle by candlelight far, far away from those pesky papa-Nazis. Wonder if Charmaine recently found out about these little snowy va-cays and went berserk, hence their recent bustup? Or maybe she knew about them all along and is just dumping him now that her face has become so gaunt, she can't even fake the fake no more?
Note to snitty types: Eat! Or your emoting capabilities nosedive, as it were.

Since I usually trust Ted's gossip, I was beginning to wonder whether Orlando really might be gay (it's so upsetting that all the really good Hollywood gossip seems to involve outing people). And then I saw the Us Weekly story about Orlando and Penelope. And now I think I'm a true believer. Let's look at Penelope's last two boyfriends. Matthew McConaughey. Tom Cruise. Both have dodged gay rumors for years. And Penelope has dodged lesbian rumors as well. Many really do think she might be a full-time beard. Dating Orlando Bloom really doesn't make me doubt it much.

At home with Brad and Angelina*

Us Weekly is currently running a poll on its website, asking its readers whose relationship would make a better reality show: Jen and Vince; Brad and Angelina; Pam and Kid or Nick and Vanessa. The current leader? Kid and Pam. And they aren't just leading--they are the clear preference, with 68% of readers choosing them (followed by 15% for Brangelina, 9% for Vaughniston and 8% for Nick and Vanessa).

I am honestly really, really surprised here. What would be fun about watching Pam and Kid? It would be yet another trainwreck, some sort of mixture of The Osbournes, Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica and 'Til Death Do Us Part: Carmen and Dave. Is there any new door that Pam and Kid could open for us? I think not.

But who wouldn't want to watch Brad and Angelina? Doesn't anyone wonder how this couple works? What are the interactions like between a white-bread guy from Missouri who used to be married to America's golden girl and a blood-wearing, brother-snogging, bisexual who once confided on the red carpet that she had just had sex in her limo? What do they talk about? How much of her "quirky" ways has Angelina retained in her new life of mommyhood and charitable giving? Is Maddux really sweet or a total brat?

Of course, no one could ever give them enough money to donate to charity to have them agree to such a show. But it would totally kick ass. And it would be a lot more interesting than watching Pam and Kid wear funny hats and get drunk.

*I originally titled this post "At home with Brad and Angie" but quickly changed it, just because I have never heard anyone who knows her actually refer to Angelina Jolie as "Angie." And it kind of drives me crazy that the press does. I guess the fact that I almost used the term myself is a testament to how I have saturated myself with celebrity gossip.

Shame of an Us Weekly Reader

Gawker has a post excerpting the really embarassing comments of Us Weekly readers to Us's blog post on Mel Gibson's revolting anti-Semitic tirade.

Not that I'm going to give up my fantasy league or anything crazy like that . . . but you can color me embarassed.

Tori Spelling is paying Janice Min

Okay, maybe she isn't, but how else has Tori Spelling managed to be Us Weekly's cover story for two out of the last five weeks?

Sure, the first cover was right after her father died when she totally went public with her feud with her mother (along with her ludicrous claim that she didn't know her father, who had been ailing for years, might die after his most recent illness). So at least that one kind of made sense (although I think most would have expected Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban's wedding that week to get top billing).

But again this week? It just doesn't make sense. And the photos Us has of her shopping at the dollar store? Come now.

Oh, and Us must have the best makeup artists ever. Because I never remember Tori looking this good.

Pam and Kid - Affianced . . . Again

Us Weekly is reporting, exclusively, that Pamela Anderson and former fiance Kid Rock are engaged again. Unsurprisingly she sounds pretty happy about it in the message she posted on her website, which is a bit, well, Anna-Nicole-esque:

I know some women can relate to this....My children are getting older. They know the truth and they are strong, smart kids. They love their Dad. They love their new Step Dad who they've known for years...time will pass. Wounds will heal. Some people may never grow up. Actions speak louder than words....watch!

I'm glad she likes her kids, and I'm glad that they love their father and step-father, but . . . oblique oversharing always leaves me a little befuddled.

No longer crazy in love?

I know I was on vacation for a week, but I felt really out of the loop when I was on Us Weekly's website and noticed a photo of Beyonce and Jay-Z taken two days ago with the caption: "Beyonce and ex, Jay-Z, leave New York's Bar Pitti after dinner with singer Rihanna, rumored to have caused the breakup."

Beyonce and ex Jay-Z? When did this happen? Last I heard, there were marriage rumors. So I had to do some digging.

From what I can tell, in mid-May [mid-May?! How did I not know this?!] Beyonce apparently got very angry with Jay-Z at at Nets game (Jay-Z has an ownership interest in the team) because he received a 15 minute phone call from singer Rihanna.

Then on June 10, Social Rank (a website) reported that they had broken up because Jay-Z lacked the maturity Beyonce wanted in a relationship. Similarly, on June 26, a website called "The Bosh" reported that Beyonce realized she needed to be with someone more adult and supportive than Jay-Z. Which...huh? Beyonce is 24. Jay-Z is 36. They have been dating since she was 21 (or maybe even 20--it is unclear when they officially started dating). But okay, maybe she needs to date someone pushing 50 next time around.

But then, signs of happiness as they performed together on June 25 at Radio City Music Hall and dueted again two days later at the BET awards.

And now this throw-away statement from Us Weekly. So what's the real story? Split or together? I have to admit I'm really confused. Why hasn't Us reported on this before? How could this be going on for two months and a pop culture junkette like myself has no idea? I definitely need more information on this one.

Friday Break Up: Selma and Ahmet

Now that I follow celebrity gossip with a sense of purpose (find something to post, who should be on my celeb fantasy team) instead of just idle interest, I'm starting to see all sorts of patterns emerge. Like the Friday Break-Up (sorry, too lazy to find the links to past Friday Break-Up posts). This week: Selma Blair and Ahmet Zappa. I can't say this one is rocking my world, mostly because I don't think I even knew they were married, but apparently they've been married for two whole years! (After what US Weekly describes as a "whirlwind 6 month romance." Best of luck to them both.

Wedding Bells

According to Us Weekly Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban announced today that they returned to Australia today to prepare for their upcoming wedding.

So it looks like it will actually happen, despite all of the rumors about problems in the relationship. Personally, I don't have much interest in them, but for the fact that I chose them for my fantasy league team this week (rosters had to be set before the news broke). I think this should get them a good amount of press coverage. So I'm actually quite excited.