I Love Dolly!

Dolly Parton is so fab. Here she is on giving the young'uns a break:

"Poor little Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Ain't it awful? If those little girls slept with as many men as they say in the tabloids, why their little butts would have more fingerprints than the FBI!"

Heidi + Britney = A Really Bad Song

Maybe everyone else has already heard this, but I got a little behind in my blog reading lately, so just in case I'm not the only one who'd missed it:

Heidi Montag and Britney Spears recorded a duet called "Dramatic". And it is . . . not very good. One might even say awful. I couldn't sit through the whole thing and I actually like a lot of Britney's songs. But this, oh holy hell, is it unlistenable. The most interesting thing about it (apart from rather hilarious lyrics) is how Britney's trademark breathy singing sounds so professional compared to Heidi's ... I guess I should call it singing too.

Via Jezebel.

He could be MY neighbor, I wouldn't object

It seems like every interview George Clooney does makes me love him just a little bit more. Like this one in Us wherein he describes the night he found out that Britney Spears lived next door. It's worth a read. Trust me.

Now I Just Feel Sad (And a Little Dirty)

Britney Spears has been hospitalized following a custody dispute. People says that she was brought to the hospital after police, at her home in reponse to her refusal to relinquish her children to Kevin Federline's bodyguard at the court ordered time, determined she was "under the influence of an unknown substance." According to US (yes, I read both sites every morning, if you're reading this, don't judge (although I'm totally judging myself for even writing this) she's been designated a "special needs patient" meaning she either overdosed or they believe she is suicidal. Despite the tag I put on this post, I'm really not feeling schadenfreude. I'm just feeling sad.

Why am I surprised?

It looks like Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. Yes, 16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears, sister of Britney.

So I have to admit I was really shocked to read this. And immediately thought it was fake. But then I looked at Nickelodean's website and they are saying ""We respect Jamie Lynn's decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn's well being." Which really sounds to me like she's pregnant.

My second thought was "I totally shouldn't be surprised. Look at Britney. They have horrible parents."

But then I started feeling kind of hypocritcal. I mean, there are lots of kids who are sexually active at the age of 16. It doesn't mean they are trashy or immoral or stupid or bad in some way. I don't judge them. And oftentimes the only thing that separates the pregnant ones from the non-pregnant ones is luck (birth control isn't 100% effective, as the abstinence proponents like to tell us) or the willingness to have an abortion. How is it fair to judge Jamie Lynn and her family because she is going to be a teenage mom?

But then I went to Perez Hilton, and he is reporting that Jamie Lynn and her boyfriend have been living together. Remember, she's 16. So now I'm definitely back to judging her parents.

When It Rains, It Pours

Britney is losing custody of her kids on Wednesday. And I thought she was up for mother of the year.

Britney Shears: a comprehensive rundown for those without internet access this week

This is a quick reference guide to Britney Spears' last week, for Holt and Bailey, who are in Asia without any access to Us Weekly.

Britney checked into rehab last Thursday, but checked out less than 24 hours later. There have been reports that this was done following an intervention by her mom and other loved ones. Source and source.

On Saturday Britney went to a hair salon and asked to have her hair shaved off. The salon owner refused to do it, so Britney took the clippers and did it herself. Perez Hilton has reported that K-Fed threatened to have Britney's hair tested for drugs, which precipitated the hair shaving, although I haven't seen anything to support that. Source, source, source and source.

The National Inquirer reported that she also attempted, or threatened to attempt, suicide twice on Saturday. Haven't seen anything to corroborate that either. Source and speculation.

That weekend, she was also seen partying, wearing a really bad blonde wig. Like something you would get in a Halloween shop if you were going to play Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors. And she was generally acting more than a little crazy. Source , source and source.

On Tuesday, she checked into rehab again. On Wednesday, less than 24 hours later, she checked out. She was seen visiting a criminal lawyer after she checked out of rehab. Source and source.

Apparently her family had her credit cards frozen, although I don't understand how a 25 year old woman who has earned her own money doesn't have control over that money. Source.

Last night, Britney apparently went to see K-Fed, who had moved for an emergency custody hearing, which was supposed to happen today. Apparently he agreed to postpone the hearing if Britney would check into rehab, again, so she did. Perez Hilton says that the deal is she must complete rehab or else he will again move for full custody of the kids. Apparently K-Fed has been taking care of the kids for the past week, perhaps with the help of Lynn Spears. Source, source, and source.

Oh Britney.

What better way to re-enter the blogging world (anyone miss me? I didn't think so) than to lament the loss of Britney. I know we lost her long ago, but the last few days have been particularly sad. It has been ridiculously depressing watching her shave her head (the internet is amazing, I can't believe how quickly the live shots surfaced) and go in and out of rehab (yes, she reportedly checked out of rehab AGAIN this morning). I really, truly hope she gets help, in particular for the sake of those two adorable boys. I fear something tragic will happen if she doesn't get help soon. It's amazing how pop culture fodder turns to a sad reality so quickly. Sigh.

The Joys of No Internet

As threatened, I've been completely without internet for almost a week now, and it's TERRIBLE. I just now found out The O.C. has been cancelled, and I have no idea what Paris or Britney has been up to. However, one compensating pleasure that you can't get when you have broadband in the home or office, I just saw a 14 year-old girl get her computer privileges revoked at the public library for looking at porn.

A few words from the youth of America

After being laughed at for misspelling the word "adequate" in her eulogy for Robert Altman, you would think Lohan would have learned the correct spelling before firing off another e-mail that was sure to end up in the press. Alas, she didn't. But the e-mail that is floating around the internet today shows that it is more than just her spelling that is inadequite. Added to the list would be grammar, general coherence and a grip on reality. I really can't do the e-mail justice, so you should read it in its full form here.

I'm really not sure what she is saying. It appears she is angry with the press for making up lies about her, although she doesn't seem to know what these lies are, but is willing to find out. She also expects Hillary and Bill Clinton and Al Gore to help her in this crusade. At times it seems that perhaps she is thinking about issues bigger than what the tabloids say about her, but then I'm not so sure.

The ultimate irony is that she claims the purpose of the e-mail is "[s]imply to state my oppinions [sic] on how our society should be educated on [sic] for the better of our country." I think that sentence tells us everything we need to know about education in America.

One impressive aspect of the e-mail: it was sent from her Blackberry. And as a Blackberry user, I can tell you it isn't easy to type a ton on those things. Lindsay put a lot of words in that e-mail, so kudos to her for typing a lot.

But Lindsay isn't the only celebrity sharing her thoughts with us today. On her blog, Britney Spears has tried to explain her partying, letting us know that "[i]t's also been two years since I've even celebrated my birthday." Which would mean that she missed...one birthday celebration. Okay, then. Luckily, Britney tells us that "I'm just getting started" and wishes us all happy holidays. Indeed.

Britney's New BFF

The Junkettes are uniformly (I think, I haven't taken a formal poll or anything, but I see Outlook voting buttons in our future) rooting for Britney Spears in the post K-Fed era. But replacing K-Fed with Paris Hilton seems, generously, like a bit of a . . . lateral move.

(As a side note, what is up with each of the girls wearing tights with one leg? I'm just starting to get used to leggings, and then they throw this at me?! And I'm not even going to mention the whole red and green Christmas thing they've got going on. Ok, I am. WHAT THE HELL? If ever a photo called for a dual fugging, this is it.)

ETA: The more I look at Britney in this photo, the more I want to poke out my own eyeballs. It's like a "How to Kill Goodwill in 4 Easy Steps" bonanza. Hankerchief bubble hem? Check. Oddly shaped post-pregnancy boobs on full display? Check. Ragged ugly extensions deforming what was a perfectly fine bob? Check. HOLDING HANDS WITH PARIS HILTON?! Check. And also, sigh. To add an air of conspiracy theory craziness to what could just be an ugly photo, photos on PopSugar indicate there may be some digital hanky panky on People's website with respect to the weird one legged stocking effect.

BREAKING NEWS: Say It Ain't So

Britney and KFed are splitsville.

So if you had November 7, 2006, in the office poll, congratulations!

The Sin That Dare Not Speak Its Name (But I Will - DROOP)

I know Wilder already posted a shot of Britney in this outfit (just yesterday in fact) and I'm not going to disavow my comment that the girl is looking trim, but a closer look at this UsWeekly cover had me shaking my head in gloom. The tasteful, thin Britney was indeed too good to be true. Now I kind of hate to be critical of her here, but I'm going to: Brit is sporting some serious, Drew-Barrymore-at-the-Golden-Globes-worthy droop. Now, she's just had a child, lactation and all that, sure the breasts aren't going to be as perky as they once were. No one would expect otherwise. BUT . . . there are articles of clothing specifically designed to counteract the effects of gravity and nature. They're called bras. And one can find them anywhere. Now, I know Britney is fond of going braless, and if that's what's happening here (as Red suggested when I pointed this photo out), ok, I can understand though not necessarily agree with that sartorial choice. (Though for pity's sake she's wearing a turtleneck AND a vest, but a bra would be too much fabric??) But . . . if she's in fact wearing said support garment, it is NOT doing its job. Brit, go into your nearest Nordstrom STAT. There are people who can help.

Britney Sans 20 Pounds

Damn she looks good for Britney. I bet she had a tummy tuck after Sutton (or JJ?) was born.

Can't wait to see if there will be a Britney comeback.

I have nothing else to say about Britney, or K-Fed, or Britney's shrinking waist line, or whether or not her baby is really named Sutton Pierce Federline. I'm just wasting space because stupid Blogger goes all crazy if there is a picture and not enough text next to it.

Waiting for number three

Britney had baby number two on Tuesday morning. And contrary to all of the reports of her buying a ton of pink clothing, this one was another boy.

I didn't realize he was born two days before Sean Preston's first birthday. I know everyone rips on poor Brit for how close in age the two are, but my brother was born four days before my first birthday. It's cost-effective--Britney and Kevin will always be able to do what our parents did and throw one birthday party for the two kids at once.

Strangely enough, reports are saying that Lynne (Britney's mom) and Jamie-Lynn Spears (Brit's sister) were the only two people (other than medical personnel) present for the birth. Ummm...what about Kevin?

I think most people forget, but Britney was well on her way to losing the baby weight when she got preggers again. After only three months she was looking really good--I remember being shocked, because I never thought she would be thin again. Since she got pregnant again so quickly, and quickly put on the pounds, it's easy to forget. I bet her body bounces back in short order. And that she waits awhile before number three. I hope.

Cry me a river

Looks like we have another celebrity break-up:

Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake. They were actually together for three years. It was reported two days ago by Janice Charlton and yesterday by Page Six and Perez Hilton. I haven't seen any confirmation from either party that it has happened (other than something from an anonymous friend of Justin's that Perez got), but my bets are it has.

Maybe this paves the way for Britney to have baby number two, dump K-Fed, wear shoes when using the gas station restroom, beg Justin for forgiveness and live happily ever after.

Or not.

What Happened To Britney?

I watched a few minutes of Matt Lauer's interview with Britney Spears on Dateline last night. Britney looked worse than I've seen her in years. In particular, her hair extensions were gnarly, she was chomping on gum the entire time, her eye makeup was running, and her boobs were so enormous they were inappropriately hanging out of her trashy shirt. It was BAD.

This picture doesn't do justice to just how very disgusting she looked and sounded last night. It does, however, show that Matt Lauer looks really funny in jeans.

I Never Saw This Coming

Jennifer Wilbanks--you remember her, the Runaway Bride--is not getting married after all. After declaring even after she took off that she still planned to go forward with her marriage, sadly, it ain't going to happen. The odds of this development were only slightly greater than Britney and KFed still being together in 5 years. Btw, can we now officially no longer care about Ms. Wilbanks. The next time I want to see her name in print is in a one paragraph obituary noting that years earlier the media--for some unknown reason--was fascinated with her flight. In fact, I'm mad at myself for even posting this story. See here for more if you must.

Friday Musings

Sorry people for the lack of posts yesterday. I, at least, have felt uninspired of late but here goes with some random Friday thoughts.

United 93: In the course of a day, I've gone from totally never wanting to see this movie to not being able to wait to see it. Reading the reviews, like this one from the NYTimes, have made me anxious to see this movie. I'm nervous, yes, but toally intrigued.









American Idol: I'm so happy the Pickler is gone. I was shocked that she actually got voted off, having never been in the Bottom 3, but her charm and personality could save her no longer. Now the final 5 are arguably the strongest final 5 in Idol history. At least in toto. While no one might be as strong as Fantasia or Kelly or even Reuben, they each are extremely talented. I'm rooting for Elliott, but would not be upset if any of the remaining 5 win. (However, if Jasmine Trias or Nikki McKibbin had won in season's past, I would have thrown my TV out the window.)

What About Brian: I really really want to like this show, and I do, but it's not great and I think I am disappointed because I really really want it to be great. Like Felicity great. I'm still pulling for it and I'll continue to watch because I think the characters have potential and some of the writing is clever, but . . . c'mon JJ make it great!

Britney Spears and Denise Richards: I'm into really hating them both right now. Britney's pregnant again. Yuck. And Denise is now with her former BFF's former husband. Yuck. (In honor of my Britney hate, I've made her look extra deformed in this picture.)

Rosie O'Donnell: She's apparently going to take Meredith Veira's place on The View. I generally hate that show, in particular Star Jones and Elizabeth Hassleback, but I think Rosie is great and I'm interested in seeing how she'll do. Interesting choice.

Jessica Pregnant?

Ted is reporting a rumor today that Jessica Simpson is pregnant! That, if true, is such a shocker. I don't think I was alone in thinking that at least one reason for the breakup with Nick was because he is an adult and she, well, she isn't. It's almost as hard to imagine Jessica as a mom as it was to imagine . . . Britney.