A professional beard?

Us Weekly is reporting a potential new coupling of Orlando Bloom and Penelope Cruz. My first thought when I read this? If anything was going to convince me that Bloom may, in fact, be gay, it was Penelope Cruz becoming his girlfriend.

Let's backtrack a little. Despite his relationship with Kate Bosworth, there have been rumbling that Bloom may prefer men (as opposed to women with boy-like bodies). I generally wrote those off as rumors based on Orlando's delicate features. But a few weeks ago (just after Kate and orlando called it quits again) Ted Casablancas made a suggestive statement about Orlando and Kate, saying that according to many their relationship was never real, and they just posed for the cameras.

The next day, Ted ran a Blind Vice (a piece of gossip where he doesn't give us the names of the celebrities) about a recently-broken up couple consisting of a closeted gay man and a superskinny woman. It screamed (to me anyway) Kate and Orlando. Check it out for yourself:

Another Hollywood bustup. Boo-freakin'-hoo. Excuse me if I'm not exactly cryin into my hanky. In this town, where relationships last about as long as lunchtime Botox sessions, peeps who manage to stay together are the real newsworthy ones, don't you all think? Anyhow, I never really thought Pete Poked and Charmaine Chuck-Up were such hot 'n' heavy lovebirds in the first place.I mean, you can't place your Prius in a spot that's already taken, can you? 'Course not! Kinda like how Char-love couldn't possibly be the stylish ride of choice for Petey's daredevil desires, 'cause he's already had a serious shotgun boyfriend for quite sometime. Yes, that's right: Just like Toothy and so many of the friggin' rest of 'em, P2 likes the boys, not the girls--no matter how thin or pretty or pouty they may be.I'm told this par-tick tight boyish twosome enjoys sportin' weekend jaunts to the mountains, where they can hit the slopes and canoodle by candlelight far, far away from those pesky papa-Nazis. Wonder if Charmaine recently found out about these little snowy va-cays and went berserk, hence their recent bustup? Or maybe she knew about them all along and is just dumping him now that her face has become so gaunt, she can't even fake the fake no more?
Note to snitty types: Eat! Or your emoting capabilities nosedive, as it were.

Since I usually trust Ted's gossip, I was beginning to wonder whether Orlando really might be gay (it's so upsetting that all the really good Hollywood gossip seems to involve outing people). And then I saw the Us Weekly story about Orlando and Penelope. And now I think I'm a true believer. Let's look at Penelope's last two boyfriends. Matthew McConaughey. Tom Cruise. Both have dodged gay rumors for years. And Penelope has dodged lesbian rumors as well. Many really do think she might be a full-time beard. Dating Orlando Bloom really doesn't make me doubt it much.