Oscars as They Happen

Laura Holt and I are watching the Oscars together and decided to keep a running commentary on the pre-show (okay, to be fair, ten minutes of the pre-show) and the Oscars.

LH: Felicity Huffman looks just stunning (even in high def). Very impressive at her age. I was really surprised that she actually started crying at the recorded messages from the Desperate Housewives. Either they really do get along, or she REALLY deserves that Oscar. How is it possible that Rachel Weisz looks less pregnant now than she did weeks ago at the Golden Globes? Do even pregnant people try and lose weight for the Oscars?? Keira Knightley looks lovely. She's so poised for such a young woman. She holds a special place in my heart for being part of bringing back the pirate movie (a post of its own). The necklace is just, wow. That's major jewelry.

LIW: Funny lead-in to Jon Stewart. Chris Rock, Billy Crystal, and Steve Martin are too busy. Whoopi says hell no. And Letterman is unavailable too. Now Mel Gibson as host, that would be scary. [LH: he probably only agreed to do it because they let him plug his newest ancient language experiment.] So far Holt and I are laughing. This is promising. OK, here he goes. I can't help but be nervous for him. He's said two lines and I can already tell he's going to be great. Pan to Charlize, she doesn't look amused. Ooooh - my fave - the camera just showed Amy Adams looking cute as pie and she was laughing. I think Charlize's dress is dreadful; I'm not jumping to any conclusions but from the waist up it looks like crap. [LH here: I'm totally jumping to conclusions. I don't care what the rest of the dress looks like, that shoulder is enough to call it crap.]

LH: George Clooney wins! I wish he'd win everything if only because he gives the best acceptance speeches, the perfect mix of funny, sincerity, and social conscience. The most charming man alive . . . I could watch him ramble for hours. Stewart clearly agrees with me.
I'd forgotten that Tom Hanks started out as a comedian. That hair is hideous. Jon Stewart in the green suit got old fast. Reese's hair looks great. I'm surprised she didn't go with something with a little more color. I know it's different than her Globes dress, but the colors and metallic trim are enough in common to bring it to mind, and I'd think she'd want as few reminders of wearing Kirsten Dunst's hand-me-down Chanel as possible. What was Naomi Watts thinking? Her skin and makeup are fantastic, but that dress . . . not only is the color atrocious but the shredded chiffon . . . yuck. Dolly Parton is looking even scrawnier than normal, but that voice is still as strong as ever. She got the Oscar audience to clap along. I'm totally shocked. Thought they'd be too cool for that. But maybe performers are too well-mannered not to support a fellow performer.

LIW: Luke and Owen Wilson. Oy, Owen's hair is moppy. Holt: "I looove the Wilsons." They're presenting the award for Best Short Film. Boring. Wait, they are presenting another boring award. No, they are just introducing Chicken Little and some other stupid animated character to present the next award. BORING. Ice cream break. "Peggy and I thank the Academy, blah blah blah blah . . . I want to thank my talented life partner, blah blah blah. . . shout out to working moms blah blah blah." OOOOH, now this is exciting. Jennifer Aniston on the stage. She looks absolutely stunning, I think. I'm definitely on Team Aniston. [LH: another beautiful necklace. Love the casual diamonds! Not such a fan of the mermaid style dress. And would it kill her to try something other than black? I get that simplicity is her schtick, but would color cause her pain?] Now I'm bored again, waiting to hear about Best Costume Design. Memoirs of a Geisha wins. Anyone care? I don't. Pan to winner's daughter, who looks painfully uncomfortable. Man, winner talks slow. Thankfully they are interspersing exciting celebs between the boring awards. Russell Crowe!

LH: Wilder and I both agree that we hate Jamie Foxx; there's something so arrogant and obnoxious about him. Scientific and technical awards: Glad they do it, and REALLY glad they don't make us watch all of them. There's a real difference in the quality of acceptance speeches between the people in front of the camera and behind. See e.g. that costume designer. Oops, Morgan Freeman just made a monkey of me, because he sure bobbled his line introducing the supporting actress nominees. Is Frances McDormand wearing any makeup? Bold choice Frances. Bold. You go girlfriend with your glasses and scragelly hair and enormous red coral pin and mountains of talent. Lauren Bacall - you've botoxed yourself!! Why??? Oh man, she's screwing up horribly. Can she not read the telemprompter? Or is she trying to speak from memory? I'm so sad for her. She's in one of my fave movies of all time: The Big Sleep. Dames for truth. I think that's a group we'd all like to belong to.

LIW: I love Terrence Howard. But he just presented another sleeper of an award - documentary short subject. Um, not even sure what that means. Whoever won just thanked the Academy for seating her next to George Clooney at the nominee lunch. Yummy; I'd thank the Academy for that too. OK, I've just confirmed that Charlize Theron's dress is ugly; a shoe-in for the Worst Dressed List. Yay! March of the Penguins won! Actually, I never saw it. My excitement was feigned. Vote for the bill that will save Antarctica! Sorry for my English! Okay, what is JLo doing at the Oscars? She is still gorgeous but I can't help but think that Mark Antony has ruined all her sex appeal. The dress is heinous, her slicked-back hair looks painful, and her jewelry looks matronly. Holt: "A burning car on stage! Oh my god, why? That's horrible! I hate it! It's taking set design too far I tell you! Oh my god, and people are crouching! Crouching!" Oh, we're talking about the Crash song, in case you are wondering. I have to say I think Jon Stewart is doing a very good job - I give him a B+ so far. Here come Sandy B. and Keanu. IS she or is she not in her second trimester? She does look a little bloated. Though Holt makes a good point, she hasn't worked in a while and perhaps she actually eats during her off time, which would of course be a good thing. Still not entirely clear why Sandy and Keanu were together on the Red Carpet - Speed 5 anyone? Memoirs of a Geisha wins for Art Direction. Wow this guy is really a snoozer. Okay, now I feel awful because he's reading some note from one his co-art-directors who is probably on her death bad. I'm an awful person.

LH: I really like all the movie montages. I think it's my favorite part of the ceremony. All these iconic moments blended together. It's amazing how many of them work their way into our movie vocabulary; even if we haven't seen the movies themselves. Probably because of montages like this. I'm giving Jon an A-; I think he's doing a great job. Funniest and smoothest host I've seen in awhile. The president's speech: "state of the heart storytelling"? Judy Dench and Morgan Freeman look totally bored. OMG. He's selling the experience of going to the movies over DVDs. Is that really necessary? Mickey Rooney's still alive? Good for him. I like Salma Hayek's dress. I love the pleating and bold color, but the very pretty shoulder strap that goes under the bust makes her boobs look a little uneven. Pretty dress, but it could fit better. Oh, scenes from Pride & Prejudice! The hair dresser from that movie totally did not deserve an Oscar nomination (not that there's an Oscar for best hair design but if there was she would not get my vote). My enjoyment of the movie was completely undermined by the horrible fringe of hair sticking out on Keira's neck whenever her wig was pulled into an updo. Did no one viewing the dailies see that? Was it impossible to fix? I just can't believe it. And Brokeback Mountain wins best score. Yawn.

LIW: Before I forget, Michelle Williams looks absolutely stunning. A far cry from the Jen she played on Dawson's Creek. Love her dress. The red lipstick is the perfect touch. Query how she is so much prettier now than she was back on the Creek, where Katie Holmes was by far the standout beautfy. Oooooh. Here comes Jake!! LOVE. He's perfect I tell you. I got distracted for a minute fawning over my adorable dog sound asleep next to me so I didn't hear a word he said. But now there's Jessica Alba and Eric Bana. He's awesome looking. When are we getting to the big awards? I'm not sure I have it in my fingers to keep blogging through these filler awards. Too bad there is nothing left on my Tivo after this weekend. (I even watched all of last week's Oprah's. I usually delete at least a few a week. I was desperate for zone-out time.) King Kong wins another one - sound mixing. Laundry break. But wait! It's Meryl Streep! and Lily Tomlin! Lily Tomlin! Are you excited yet? They're presenting an Honorary Oscar. Definitely time for a break. Again I feel bad. The award's for Robert Altman, and he's decidedly awesome.

I love it! It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp. Love this song. So happy it was nominated. Though these actor pimps are awkward and silly. Holy last note. There AMy Adams is again. So cute! Queen Latifah gets an invite to the Oscars? Who knew? She actually looks beautiful and she's about to present the award for best original song. I'm secretly rooting for the Hustle&Flow pimp song, but will be satisfied if the Crash song wins because that's who I picked in my Oscar pool. OMG! The pimp song won! Latifah is so excited! I sort of want to cry! I'm really happy for them! These guys seem genuinely excited. I like this dose of pure exhiliration in the Oscars! Yay Oscar voters! Even Jon Stewart is at a loss for words. He's laughing. I'm now at a solid A- for his performance.

Here comes Jennifer Garner - first time I've really seen her post-Violet-bearing. She almost trips. But she still looks awesome. King Kong wins another techie. Yawn. I'm still glowing from the pimp-song win! Have I mentioned lately how much I love Terrence Howard? Tsotsi (South Africa) wins best foreign language film. Haven't seen it. Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z. Can we get to the big awards PLEASE?

Here comes Hilary Swank to present Best Actor award. If Philip Seymour Hoffman doesn't win, Vegas will go mad. And the Oscar goes to . . . Philip Seymour Hoffman! Shocker. That's one problem with all the pre-Oscar awards shows. The Oscar winners become too predictable. But I'm happy for PSH. Though I have to say his acceptance speeches have been kinda boring.

Here comes Best Actress! Again, Reese is conventional wisdom. But could there be an upset? And the Oscar goes to . . . .Reese! I can't believe it! Reese won! Her "I can't believe a girl from Tennessee made it here" line made me roll my eyes, but the rest of her speech at least seemed heart-felt. I wish she said more about how much she loves Ryan, but hey.

As you (whoever has made it this far) can probably tell, Holt left a while ago. And I'm falling asleep at the keyboard so will watch the rest from my laptop-free bed. Which means I'm only left to predict the last winners. Here goes:
Crash and Brokeback will win the screenplay awards
Ang Lee will win the director award
Brokeback will win best picture. [If Crash wins, I think Brokeback got robbed.]

Good night.