Idol Gives Back: A Running Diary

Why am I doing this? Why? I wasn't even going to watch Idol Gives Back and now I'm doing a diary? I have to admit I didn't start the diary until minute 30, but I gave in for two reasons:

1.) Teri Hatcher. WTF?! Seriously, what was she thinking when she decided to sing? Did she think it would be a good idea? Did the Idol producers think it was a good diea? Because she sounded awful. Of course, the fact that she sounded awful compelled me to start this diary, so perhaps Idol knew what it was doing after all. Oh, and also, does anyone in America like Teri Hatcher anymore?

2.) The dancers from So You Think You Can Dance were so great in the opening sequence (even if Lacey was still doing her I'm-trying-to-be-sexy-so-I-will-make-faces-that-look-like-I-am-going-to-eat-you face). I would like to know who the guy was who did the breakdancing bit at the beginning. I couldn't see his face. And it looks like Donyelle has put on a good bit of weight. It's too bad that JabbaWockeeZ didn't make a guest appearance.

When I realized I had e-mailed Bailey separate e-mails about each of these segments, I knew it was time for a diary. Rather than rewinding and starting over, I'll just leave the first thirty minutes to the two comments above and I'll add that Ben Stiller really isn't funny and Carrie Underwood has become disturbingly thin.

Minute 31: Billy Crystal. I am generally fine with Billy Crystal but this wasn't a great bit and the audience was happily laughing along. Lemmings.

Minute 33: What is the point of this Billy Crystal-Miley Cyrus bit? Is Billy Crystal pretending not to know who she is while she tells him how famous she is, and vice versa, supposed to be funny? Because it really, really isn't.

Minute 35: This is the first time I have ever watched Miley Cyrus sing (or listened to her sing, for that matter). She's not as bad as I thought she would be. Kind of a Debbie Gibson vibe, except Debbie wrote her own songs. I bet Miley doesn't do that. Take that, Hannah Montana.

Minute 40: I feel bad making a snarky comment about Bono's hair while he talks to a 14 year old girl who is orphaned and was born with HIV.

Minute 46: Fergie. Do I just fast forward? Watching Fergie reminds me that Las Vegas isn't coming back on the air next season, which is kind of sad. It was an easy, mindless, fun show to watch every week. You didn't feel like you were getting stupider while watching, like you might if you watch Big Brother three times a week. Not that I know anyone who does that. The show was not close to as good once James Caan left, but it would have been nice to have some closure. Oh, and Fergie actually wasn't bad.

Minute 48: Heart! Unfortunately, they are singing "Barracuda," which is not my favorite. And doing so with Fergie. Ann Wilson looks like something out of an Ann Rice novel.

Minute 57: Eli and Peyton Manning. They are pretty awkward on stage. Not as awkward as Ramiele, but awkward.

Minute 67: Bono introduces Annie Lennox, who talks more about AIDS in Africa. Then she sings on the Idol stage. I like Annie Lennox and she sounds good, but I had to fast forward past the song. It was just so boring.

Minute 78: All new episodes of "'Til Death?!" Really? This show is still around? And "Back to You" is returning as well? I really do not understand.

Minute 79: Celine Dion needs to not wear her hair pulled back.

Minute 80: Jimmy Kimmel introducing Simon Cowell by making fun of his shirt, nipples and haircut. And although Simon is gamely laughing along, I don't think he is amused.

Minute 86: Carrie Underwood singing. I mentioned how ridiculously thin she has become, right? She's singing "Praying for Time," which (like so many George Michael songs) is a really good song, but she's kind of shouty at the big parts, which is unnecessary. Why can't they ever invite George Michael to any of these events? That would be great.

Minute 94: I used to really like Ellen, but here she is, and all I can think of is her feud with the animal rescue group. And I can't really like her as much.

Minute 95: Gloria Estefan with Jordin Sparks playing the drums. Is Jordin so unsuccessful that they don't even let her sing? I guess it's better than Taylor Hicks, who they try to pretend never happened (thanks Idol!).

Minute 96: The SYTYCD kids are back and dancing while Gloria sings. I can't wait for that show to come back!

Minute 97: Someone recently told my mom that she looks like Sarah Silverman. My mom wasn't thrilled, but I think there can be worse things. They really don't look alike, though.

Minute 102: Gordon Brown talking about malaria. I wonder if Idol invited our president back or if they decided it would just turn viewers off. I'm guessing the latter.

Minute 107: Reese Witherspoon looks super cute but is she wearing the ame shoes she wore to the Golden Globes with that yellow dress? It's difficult to tell, but I wouldn't blame her if they were the same shoes--they are really cute.

Minute 112: This is starting to feel like it is about 525,600 minutes long. Any why was Brooke the only person robbed of a solo phrase?

Minute 115: How does Dane Cook get invited to anything?

Minute 123: The return of Miley Cyrus. I still kind of like her., except that she did the cheesy Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction hand motion over her eye.

Minute 129: Robin Williams as "The Russian Idol." Typical Robin Williams shtick. I don't think I need to say much more.

Minute 134: Rob Schneider. Why? Why? Have I ever told you I watched Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo in a movie theater? I thought it would be campy, but it was just bad. Not one of my proudest moments.

Minute 139: I know that Brad Pitt is constantly wearing that stupid cap because the proceeds of sales from that hat go to his Katrina charity, but couldn't he have come up with a better item of clothing to sell? Brad's looking a little haggard.

Minute 144: Daughtry made a video of their time in Uganda, but unlike the other segments, which tried to be about the people, this seems to be about Daughtry, as we get shots of Chris singing his song (which is playing in the background) and playing the guitar, interspersed with sad faces of Ugandans.

Minute 145: Now the Ugandan children are singing along with Chris. This is just odd.

Minute 150: I think that the show may have gone long, because it didn't seem like Chris Daughtry telling us to give money was the intended ending. Oh well!

I know that a lot of people complain about Idol Gives Back, calling it emotionally manipulative, and arguing it appeals to the lowest common denominator. And although I think it's depressing that so many Americans seem to have no idea about the issues the show raises (however superficially), if this is the only way to get them to give something, then I think it's worth it.

I can't believe I got through the entire episode. Oh, and I had read that the presidential candidates would be making appearances, but I didn't see them. Perhaps that's how they ended the show?